[14 Mar 2006|06:56pm] New journal time again....maybe ill let you know what it is 15 thoughts | think of me

[14 Mar 2006|02:31am] Wow people just love to start shit dont they, oh well fuck it. I don't even care anymore... </3 5 thoughts | think of me

[13 Mar 2006|12:20am] so im sitting here crying once again.... im breaking down... i cant take this... someone help me... 2 thoughts | think of me

[11 Mar 2006|05:57am] These past couple of days have been crazy. I completely killed my brain. Nothing but partying all three nights, and hopefully more tonight...Whose partyin tonight or do I have to call Jimbo and Ja again. Ugh. Someone party with me tonight... Sean I love you. 2 thoughts | think of me

Most personal thoughts... [07 Mar 2006|11:24pm] I really haven't been taking much time to write in here lately. I have been to busy trying to readjust to going back to school among many other things in my life. It's been really sucky lately, especially with Sean gone and not being able to talk to me right now. It sucks. But I'm not going to type everything out right here. Not everyone is going to want to read what I have to say so here ya go... So things have been getting really bad lately. I'm getting really worried about myself along with what is happening to my family. Everything in my life is falling apart and right now I feel as though I don't really have anyone to turn to. Meli is always there for me, but she has problems of her own. I do not need to load her down with mine as well. Sean would be there for me and I know that but he's not around right now so he really can't be. So basically I am facing this all alone. I guess I am going to start with the few things that are really bothering me the most... The decision that I made about the baby. It didn't really affect me right after I had my abortion. I figured that the first few days after I had it done would be the worst. But I was sadly mistaken. It wasn't until Sunday night until the decision that I had made finally caught up to me. I was on the phone with Ray and he asked me what was going on with the baby and me and I couldn't even bring myself to tell him what I had done. I can't even face the truth that I had an abortion without crying like I am right now. Then I figured okay this isn't this bad, I'll be able to pull through this. Little did I know what I was about to face when I went to bed that night. When I finally fell asleep, I couldn't even sleep. Every time I would slip into a deep sleep, I started to dream. And the only thing that filled my head was thoughts of my baby. It got so bad that I pictured my baby probably around how she would have been at my age and she looked at me with tears in her eyes and asked me "mommy why did you have to kill me, why couldn't you keep me and love me the way your mom never did with you" and then she faded away. Then if that wasn't bad enough, I had a dream that when I went back for my check up this weekend the doctor told me that something had gone wrong with the procedure and that now I would never be able to have kids again. And now I can't help but think about what if that happens. Then all through school monday I was fine, nothing really bothered me. And sleeping monday night was an exact repeat of what had happened sunday night. But today at school was completely different, I couldn't help but notice Danielle who happens to be pregnant and when I saw her, I started crying. I know I would have gone through hell if I would have kept my baby, but now I wonder if I made the right decison or if I completely fucked up. I sure hope that I can sleep tonight because I don't know if I can function without a decent night of sleep. And I think that I might need to start going to see a therapist to have someone to talk to about all this so I don't flip and completely lose it. I can't handle this right now. Another thing that really sucks is Sean is gone. I don't know how long it is going to take me to get used to the fact that he is actually gone for the next 5 months. I figured I would be used to this. I had to go through this before so why the hell is it so hard this time. Probably because these feelings are a lot stronger than they were when Ray and I had to go through this. And it's not gelping that I keep thinking that things with Sean and I are going to turn out the same way that they did between Ray and I. I don't want to see this time apart destroy what Sean and I have, but for some reason with everything else going wrong, I have a bad feeling that this will as well. And no matter what he says to me, I'm going to keep questioning how strong his feelings for me really are, and if he really means what he says to me. I honestly don't see what I have done to deserve a great guy in my life and I don't see why I should be able to keep him in my life.I'm so scared that I am going to get hurt again, it sucks I don't want to feel like this. Ugh, Sean I love you more than you could ever imagine and I can't wait until you are back home again and in my arms. 3 thoughts | think of me

[07 Mar 2006|03:59pm] So things are changing, drastically and I don't like it one little bit. In fact I completely and totally hate it... I wish I could just leave this life behind me sometimes but I can't... I'm worried...maybe I should just cut my feelings off...hmmm i dont know.. think of me

[07 Mar 2006|12:04am] I don't really have the energy to write in here tonight. I have a lot of thinking to do tonight. A lot of crap is running through my head. I am really going to need my friends the next couple of days, my decision is really starting to hit me now and I don't like it. I need someone to be there for me. This whole not being able to talk to Sean thing sucks. But it could be worse I imagine. I just miss him like crazy and it sucks that I can't text him at night at tell him whats wrong with me anymore. And I never realized how much I would miss just getting the "i love you" messages from him. Oh well I know he is thinking about me and missing me like I do him, at least I would imagine he is... Meli, can we hang out tuesday after I get out of school. I really need someone to talk to.. 1 thought | think of me

Hmmm... [05 Mar 2006|04:08pm] I don't even know where to start or what to say today. I miss Sean more than anything and it sucks. I haven't had to deal with this sort of feeling in a long time. I almost forgot how bad it really does suck. I just hope that all my sitting here and waiting won't be for nothing. I hope that when he comes home that he really does come home to me. 2 thoughts | think of me

Boredom.... [04 Mar 2006|12:09pm] I'm flipping bored and meli hasn't called me yet, ugh! oh and I MISS MY DAMN BOYFRIEND MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD. 2 thoughts | think of me

Lost in my thoughts... [03 Mar 2006|10:56pm] I'm so lost in my thoughts that I don't even know where I can begin. I wish I could understand my mind at times and the minds of others. It would be extremely nice. But sadly, life is never going to be that easy. I guess I just need to suck that up and deal with it. I heard some pretty fucked up the past two nights, some of which I will not even post in my journal because I promised someone I wouldn't say anything. But some of the other shit, I have to let out in here. I really would love to know what is running through someones mind when they kill a person. Even more, what the hell is going through someones mind that they could sit there and watch a woman get raped and murdered someone they hung out with a lot and not do a damn thing about it, then continue running a normal life! I can not even begin to be able to comprehend that crap. But anyways, on to better things I would imagine... Sean said the cutest thing in the world to me today, and when I read the text message I just smiled because it made me realize even more just how special I am to have a man like that in my life. I'd give anything just to make sure that things between him and I last. Sometimes I honestly think that I've fallen for him way to hard for my own good. I'm terrified of getting hurt again, just like he is. And honestly I don't think he would hurt me, but I just can't help but be scared. He just makes me feel ways that I never have before. Sean baby, I love you. 1 thought | think of me

Omg...I have no clue.. [02 Mar 2006|10:47am] So I have no clue of half of the stuff that went on last night, but thats okay because I trust the people that I was with. Meli and Adam. Haha. I know I came home and wrote a journal entry because my dad pissed me off when I walked in the door but I don't even remember what I wrote. haha. I'm a bad kid. Whatever I don't care, I had a great time last night, didn't come home until about 1, I think that is part of what pissed my dad off so much but I don't give a fuck he needs to realize I am not going to come home early as hell like dana has to do. I have a few pictures from last night but I am to lazy to put them in here, besides I'm not feeling to hot. I hope Meli calls me soon. I don't think I am going to end up drinking again tonight, I might just hang out with everyone. 2 thoughts | think of me

[02 Mar 2006|06:21am] Omg I am not dealing with this crap. I can not take it. I so hate this house sometimes. I walk in the door and my dad tells me that I do not care about him and what happens to him in his health. And that is not the truth, I just want to be able to go out and have fun with my friends and not have to worry about getting bitched at, after what happened last week, I need to be able to go out and have my fun, fuck this shit... I'm seriously just about to leave my house and say fuck this...too bad I have no where to go right now, oh well I will figure something out.... I love you Sean. 2 thoughts | think of me

[28 Feb 2006|01:08pm] + FiND the guy who calls youu beautiful instead of hot + who calls youu back when youu hung up on him + who will sit under the stars and listen to your heartbeat + or will stay awake just to watch youu sleep + the boy who pursues youu & kisses youu on the forehead. + who wants to show.youu.off. to the WORLD; even in your sweats + who holds your hand even in front of his friendsz + who insists on holding his arms around your waist + who`s constantly reminding youu how much he cares + & how lucky he is to have youu + the one who turns to his friends and says thats HER That is exactly what Sean does, and it amazes me. I couldn't have asked for anything better than what I have found in him. Some people seem to think that I won't be able to stay true to Sean for 6 months. Now I'm not going to lie, it's going to be hard seeing all my friends with their significant others and just the longing to be able to hold him in my arms and to have him hold me when something is going wrong, but that is not going to stop me. I refuse to let it. I've looked my whole life for someone to make me feel the things that Sean does, and to treat me the way that he does. There is no way that I could let this go. I went 3 months with Ray when he was at basic and things would have worked out if he wouldn't have screwed them up for himself. So if I can do that, I'm sure another 3 months will not kill me. And if I really need Sean I am able to talk to him, it's not like I am completely cut off from him.And I know that after these 6 months, it will be the best feeling in the world to see him come home and just wrap me up in his arms and then everything will be worth it. My friends are there for me too, they know what I am going through dealing with him being gone, but they also know how important this is to me and how happy he makes me. I'd be crazy to ever let this one slip through my fingers, and to everyone that has their doubts, I'll show you. I'm going to do this because I love him, and I know he is going to be comming back home to me and thats all I need. Sean has opened my eyes up to a lot of things. And it amazes me. Just being around him the short time I was made me grow up so much, and he made me realize how much shit I had been putting up with that I shouldn't have been. Even without being here to be around me, he's been showing me what a relationship should be like. Something that honestly I can say I've never had. I've never had someone make me smile the way that he has. Nor do I ever want anyone else to be able to. I'm prefectly happy with where I am at in my life and the relationship that I have with my wonderful boyfriend. I'll give up anything and everything for him to be the man I walk down the isle to marry, and you know what it's going to happen and I love it. 4 thoughts | think of me

[28 Feb 2006|01:03am] So boys are really stupid. I can not stand most of them at times especaially stupid little high school boys who like to start drama. I absolutely hate it. Thank god sean is nothing like Jared.  I can't believe he won't get over the fact that we are over, and stop listening to everything that people tell him about me. I don't even know why I care. I shouldn't he doesn't matter any more. I have my baby, thats all I need but I can't help but care. He's the boy who would have given me my first child. But he just couldn't handle that and I'm glad. 18 years of having to deal with that shit I don't know if I could. But now all I have to worry about is making this relationship with Sean work because I know there are people who will try and screw this up and if they do. I will get really pissed off, but the one great thing about Sean he doesn't listen to others people's shit. And I love him more than any of you could ever know. Sean I love you so much baby. I hope this works out and I can't wait for you to come home. 1 thought | think of me

[27 Feb 2006|10:43am] Well if last night wasn't an interesting night. Probably one of the best I've had even though it was a lot of drama. I still managed to have fun. I completely lied to my dad and went to the show at the Token even though I wasn't supposed to because of the surgery I had on Saturday. When I got to the show, I saw Sarah and Alison. I love those two girls. =) So Meli and I sat in Alison's van and talked to them until the show started, pretty interesting conversation we had too, Meli you know what I mean. Then we sat there and watched Dana leave Will completely by himself while she sat in chris' car drinking. How bull shit is that? You don't bring your boyfriend to the show and then just leave him hanging out with random people he doesn't know so you can go sit and drink, hell ask him to come with you. Then as Meli and I were going to walk into the show we ran into Jon, that boys a cutie. We had to take him to the store to get some cigarettes. So we did that and finally we went into the show. At first everything was fine, we were all hanging out just having fun and messing around until Dana told me if we ever played padiddle with Will she wanted me to be the one to give him head. That was just weird. Then Dana found James Chultz and started hanging out with him. Making sure that she was telling him my business which yeah it's James no biggy him knowing everything but if shes just going to tell him like that, why wouldn't she tell other people like that. And then she proceeded to rub it in Meli's face that she was hanging out with james. Then Dana, Meli and I were supposed to hang out all night, well then Dana made plans to go over to James' house. And wanted me to go, like we were just going to ditch Meli after the show. That isn't right. So Meli and I were talking trying to find out what we could do after the show. Then I was hanging out with Jon while Defiled Youth was playing and I got punched in the lip. So then any time I was up by the stage he was being a sweetheart and blocking me from getting hit. Well then amber his girlfriend showed up and started going physco. She dragged Jon away by his hair then decided she was going to push me, and I hit my lip of a speaker which made my lip bleed so I wasn't to happy about that. But oh well. Then a little bit later I started cramping, so Meli decided it was time to take me home so that nothing bad happened to me. Dana started complaining about us leaving early, but oh well. So Will, Jon, Meli and I all decided we were going to leave. On the way home, some more interesting conversations. We then went to McDonalds and Will got us free food. Nice going will. =) Then we dropped Will off, and Jon Meli and I proceeded to go to Andrew's house. Then from there we went to Mike's. Then after that Meli took Jon home and then me. Now I am just waiting for Meli to wake up and call me so I can find out whats going on today. And Dana, Will did have his reasons for breaking up with you. Don't you remember when Sean was home and you were telling me about how much you liked Sean and if it wasn't for Sean being an ass you never would have started dating will and you would have been with Sean? All the double standards to have, omg he was holding cheryl up so she didn't fall over, you saw how drunk she was. And you got mad at him. The night we went to the movies and you got mad because he said another girl was hot, omg he's your boyfriend if he didn't like you he wouldn't be with you, get over it. It's a guy he's going to say stuff like that. And then when he gave you his coat and asked you to hold onto it, direct quote from you "I guess I'm Will's bitch now he asked me to hold his coat" Wow, what the hell, after all the things he does for you, you can't even hold his damn coat without complaining. And you couldn't even go with me on Saturday without complaining because you were there for 5 hours while I was going through one of the hardest things I ever had to do, and then I didn't want to talk to anyone on the ride home, well I'm sorry. I was so pissed at myself and hurt that I could do something like that, I didn't want to talk to anyone. Get over it. You were there for moral support not to bitch about going after the fact. Awesome pic from the show last night 2 thoughts | think of me

Time for a real update on life... [26 Feb 2006|10:56am] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | Come home soon- Shedaisy ] This is gonna be a long one, just to let everyone know. So where do I even start? Well finding out that I was pregnant completely ruined mine and jareds relationship, or what we could have made out of what was left from before. And honestly I thought it would bother me, knowing what him and I have done, but it didn't. The night I found out about the baby, I met the most amazing guy in the world. And it didn't even phase him that I was going to be having a kid, or there was a chance I could. That whole weekend, I spent all the time that I could with him, even though a lot of the time I was sleeping or didn't feel good, because I knew he was leaving soon. And the greatest thing ever was the fact that he took me to see my movie before he left. That made me smile. :) This past week has really changed my life, I had to make a life changing decision that not many people have had to make yet, I've grown up a lot these past couple of days. I see everything in a completely different light now, and for once, I finally realize who my true friends are. All the rest, I could give a shit less about. Now heres the point where I say everything to people that I normally wouldn't. Dana- Wow, what can I say. We finally had our first argument since what 8th grade. haha. But look at us it didn't even phase our friendship. Now thats when you know you have a strong friendship. And I'm really glad it didn't because without you, I wouldn't have met him. Without you no one would have been there with me yesterday except for my dad, but you know friends are different than parents. And no matter what goes on between us, I know I can always come and talk to you about anything and no matter what it is, you will never change the way you think of me. And thats what I love most about you. I'd be lost without you. I love you. ♥ Meli- Well our friendship is a bit confusing, we went from completely hating each other because of a boy to becoming really close. I think a lot of that had to do with Jake too. You're the only one who really understands what he meant to me and what I went through losing him. I think it was a part of his plan, to let us be there for each other. I always knew he would take care of everyone after he was gone. And no matter what, I know I can come to you and talk to you about anything and you're not going to go around and tell everyone what I say, just like you know the same goes for you. You're another one of those friends that I could be completely lost without. I love you sweetie. :) ♥Sean♥ I really don't know where to begin this one. That weekend that we spent together was probably one of the best weekends I have had in a long time, even though I was feeling like complete shit the whole time. I really suprised myself when I met you,I remember dana told me you would probably hit on me, but she also told me about you being in the army, so I didn't think of it as a big deal. After my experience dating a marine, I said screw military relationships. But you changed all that, I don't know what it was about you, if it was the way you held me, or what. But there was something that was different. It made me feel quite a few different feelings too, some of which scared me at the time but not anymore. And 6 months will go by quick, especially with Dana and Meli to take care of me, and then you'll be back here with me. :) And I won't be in school, so we will be able to spend loads of time together. And the fact that even though you're no where near me but you've been there for me through all of this means everything to me. I love you sweetie. Always remember that. 2 thoughts | think of me

[25 Feb 2006|07:46pm] So today was probably one of the hardest days of my life. I can not believe the decision that I made and that I had actually followed through with it. I want to kill myslep fright now for what I have done. I mean, what the hell was I thinking? I guess it was for the best though. And I wasn't alone when I went in to have it done. There were actually a lot of women in there getting one, so I didn't feel as bad. But I just couldn't help but cry the whole time before and after. I already miss my baby. 1 thought | think of me

[24 Feb 2006|03:53pm] thanks for blowing me off, haha i hate this shit....oh well... 4 thoughts | think of me

[24 Feb 2006|09:03am] So for health reasons, it would be in my best intrest to terminate this pregnancy, rather than to have my child come out with medical problems. I wouldn't be able to handle that knowing it was my fault and that I am already a teenage mom. So I made the decision to terminate the pregnancy, made the appointment and everything was all set to go through with it last night. Then last night while I was sleeping, I started to get really bad cramps to where I couldn't move and I was in tears, so I didn't get any sleep. So I wanted to stay home from school, only for a few hours to try and catch up on some sleep. And of course my grandma had to bitch, so I called my mom to talk and of course she had to start drama. Wanted Jared's number to talk to him about my pregnancy. And my mom had no clue that I was going to have an abortion. Jareds fucking dumbass told her. So then she called me back yelling and asking for my dads work number, so I hung up on her. She ended up calling my dad anyways, and now all of us have to sit down and talk. She's going to try and get me to keep this baby, not knowing the reasons why I can't. I don't want to terminate this, but if it's in my best health intrest and my child's it's the right thing to do. I really have no choice, because the first time I give birth, I would like to give birth to a healthy child and hopefully be able to give it a great life. Ugh, I fucking hate my mother, and I am hating my life right now. Why is it when one thing good goes away all the good in my life follows? I hate it. 3 thoughts | think of me

[23 Feb 2006|09:02pm] So all my friends have been trying to cheer me up, I guess I like Sean more than I thought. I will listen to sad songs and all I can think about is him, call me crazy. but i cant control it. 2 thoughts | think of me

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